Somehow, the ATF keeps figuring out exactly where to find the line between safe, responsible gun ownership and catastrophic, utter chaos. They know that 16″ barrels are safe for rifles, while 12.5″ means the end of humanity. They know that if you want to use a 12.5″ barrel, you have to call it a pistol and put on a
stock brace with a hole in it, and then you’re miraculously safe again. They know that putting a vertical foregrip on an AR pistol would instantly give you cancer in literally every part of your body, but angled grips can counteract those negative waves. Luckily they can help you stay cancer-free if you pay them an extra $200 to rename your gun a short-barreled rifle, and then vertical grips get mysterious ATF chemotherapy to become safe for you again. They know that sound suppressors can only keep your hearing safe if you pay them yet another $200 – otherwise, unfortunately, your granny living hundreds of miles away would almost certainly keel over with a massive heart attack while lovingly tending her gardenias. You do care about dear old Nana, don’t you?!
How do the wizards and warlocks over at everyone’s favorite Federal Bureau keep cranking out the extremely sensible, logical hits? How do they manage to make so much sense all the time? How do they know when to pull a 180-degree turn and threaten to make thousands of perfectly safe and legal gun owners into felons overnight by flip-flopping on the threat levels poised by innocuous pieces of plastic, thus keeping the literal demons of Hell at bay for the sake of all mankind? For eons, it’s been believed that the ATF are the chosen keepers of ancient magical tomes that allow them to master esoteric spells and incantations. These sacred magics (or possibly an enchanted singing bush living in ATF HQ, some scholars disagree) keep America safe, healthy, and happy no matter what, as anyone who lived through 2020 can attest. Now, in a shocking revelation, the master windchime craftsmen at Florida-based MAF Corp. have finally revealed an ensorcelled artifact from whence the ATF sorcerers and shamans derive their otherworldly knowledge. And for only twenty bucks (on pre-order sale for $14.95 at the time of this writing), you can have one of your very own. Meet the new Magic ATF Ball!
MAF Corp’s official Magic ATF Ball product description, copied from their website:
Have you ever had questions for your favorite bureau?
Have you ever wanted to write them a letter? A love letter, perhaps? Or a letter on whether or not something you peacefully own should put you in prison?
BROTHER, PUT DOWN YOUR PEN!
Save yourself that $1 postage stamp and spend $20 here. Try all of your burning questions for THEM and get responses as consistent and logical as a bureaucrat may provide.
Simply taketh the ball unto thine hand, gaze upon its answering ORB, breathe unto it thy breath, SHAKE THREE TIMES! AND READ! 20 custom answers! Not a single one helpful!